11 THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO WHEN FIGHTING WITH YOUR PARTNER
In a relationship, inevitable conflict happens from time to time. But no matter how angry you are, you should avoid pushing your relationship to a deadlock. Here are the 11 things that you should NOT do when arguing with your lover. Remind yourself not to commit.
1. Arguing in public or in front of relatives, friends, especially children
→ Do not do your dirty laundry in public. Arguing in front of others not only damages your image but also puts your relationship under judgment. Instead of having the problem solved, this action could only make you and your partner embarrassed.
2. Walk away in the middle of an argument
→ Many people think that staying silent and walking away is a sign of surrender. However, most of the time, it is an act of putting oil on the fire. The action gives the other person an ignorant feeling and could create misunderstanding. During an argument, if you don’t want to talk in anger, tell your partner that you need time to cool off (yes, I say “you”. Do not tell your partner to cool off, it gets worse). Set a time for another conversation when both of you are calmer and more relaxed.
3. Post the argument on social media
→ Similar to loudly arguing in public but worse. With the sharing feature on social media, not only your acquaintances know about the controversy, but also those you don't know can sneak a peek. By time the story of your quarrel will pass, you will eventually make up, but the things that have spread on social networks might stay. There is no way to erase others' memory or delete others' screenshots, which could affect you and your relationship at any time. Social media may be virtual, but the results you get could be actual!
4. Insult family members in your argument.
→ Sentences such as "you are the same as your parents" or “You behave like *someone*” is taboo. It is not only disrespectful at the same time could create long-term harm. Looking into the conflict and finding the solution instead of blaming each other would be the best. However, if you are hot-headed, try to cool down before spitting out words that you will regret later.
5. Overuse the words “always” and “never”
→ Avoid using extreme vocabulary. Those words could make the other person psychologically inhibited. Putting faults on your partner, enlarging the mistakes, or emphasizing that your partner would never change leads to psychological refutation. Pungent criticisms and contentious debates tend to distance each other. So instead of imposing your thoughts on the other half, the best is to share your personal feelings.
6. Using harsh words towards each other
→ The offensive power of words always leaves invisible wounds. Especially in a fierce argument, there is no time to calm down and think twice, which increases the possibility of uttering harsh words. So, be alert on word choice and control your own emotions. What is important is to solve problems, not to win or against someone you love.
7. Argue about many issues in one time
→ The argument starts on one topic, but it often leads you and your lover to unrelated things. You want to use old conflicts as "evidence" for the current argument, but the past should be at ease. Everyone makes mistakes, don't let the fire of your anger spread from one story to another, which fire will only make the argument worse.
8. Mention breakup or divorce in the heat of the moment
→ Again, when getting angry, your word choice gets limited. So be aware of it. Angriness can sometimes lead to a hasty decision that makes you regret it after time. Think about the moment you accepted this relationship and imagine if one day you lost it. Is the problem you debate at that time still a serious issue?
9. Argue when you're tired or hungry
→ One study found that people with low glucose levels (which come from food) were more aggressive toward their partners. If you're exhausted, never put yourself in a stressful situation. Taking a break, having a snack before arguing, those steps not only protects your health but also protects the other person from your uncontrolled actions.
10. Go to bed without settling an argument
→ There is a saying, "don't go to bed with anger". Researchers have proven that sleep enhances memory and emotions, including the negative sentiments you are carrying. That's why going to sleep with an irritated mood might strengthen those unhappy memories. In other words, those unease feelings will deeply be ingrained in your memory by the action of going to bed.
11. Bring up your partner’s vulnerabilities
→ “If you’ve been with your partner long enough, you probably have a sense of certain things about them that would be especially hurtful if you brought them up during an argument,” marriage and family therapist Gary Brown. “For example, if you know that your partner deals with anxiety, it would be unnecessarily hurtful to say something like, ‘How weakling you are?’
Try to understand that your partner trusts you enough to show their weakness. But in return, you use it as a weapon for winning the debate. The action could not only hurt your partner but also make him/her feel betrayed. The feeling of betrayal is one of the hardest rifts to heal in for a relationship. So no matter what, think twice. The consequences of winning the argument might be more painful than you think!
Arguing to find a common voice or expressing angry feelings to each other is very normal in a relationship, but no matter how angry you are, try to control yourself. Building a romantic relationship or marriage is not an easy thing, so don't just ruin it all because of an argument.