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What To Do When You Find Out Your Fiancé Is Abusive

An abusive relationship happens more frequently than you thought. From verbal abuse to physical abuse, those relationships can be destructive and even life-threatening. If you found out the person whom you are about to commit your life to is abusive, you should find a way out as soon as possible. We offer some immediate actions that you should take to deal with an abusive relationship.

Acknowledge the behaviour

Notice the early signs of abusiveness - Pinterest
Notice the early signs of abusiveness

In case you are still confused, you should find help from online resources or professional help to evaluate your situation. You can easily find a checklist of abusive behavior online. It can come from anger issues, mental problems or many other reasons. Compare those checklist items to what you have been experiencing to find your answer. It is important to note that not only the physical contacts can be considered abusive. Verbal or mental abuse is also very destructive and you shouldn’t ignore signs for those. You can also find advice from professionals such as therapists, who have extensive experience in this field. No matter if it is a physical abuse or mental abuse, the first step for you to get out of this situation is to acknowledge that it is happening. Many predators make their victims blame themselves for the situation that they are in. As a result, they don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves and keep staying in that abusive relationship. Don’t let your abusive fiancé put you in that trap. His aggressive behavior toward you is still unacceptable. Know you're worth, love yourself and understand that you deserve better treatment.

Evaluate the situation

It is better to escape an abusive relationship - Pinterest
It is better to escape an abusive relationship

As you have confirmed the abusive nature of the relationship, it is now time to make your decision about the next step. You should evaluate the situation carefully. Naturally, there are two lines of thought that you are likely to have:

  • You want to save the relationship: many women stay in abusive relationships hoping their partner will change or they can save your partner from becoming an abusive person. This hope does come true sometimes but it does require a lot of effort. Many seek help from counsellors and anger management programs. Be aware that these will only work if your fiancé really looks for change and participates actively. Don’t believe in promises only. On the other hand, others might worry about the consequence of leaving the relationship. While it is true that you have invested time and efforts in this relationship to the point you want to marry that person, it might not be worth keeping and suffer as a victim for the rest of your life.
  • You want to end the relationship: while this is a logical and potentially the better option, you should proceed with caution. When you break the engagement, there are many ties that need to be broken when you break up such as canceling a wedding plan, explaining to families, etc… In addition, you should do it in a safe manner instead of breaking up abruptly and trigger more abusive behavior. Take some time to prepare for your leave and have a strategy to call it an end with your abusive partner.

Have an escape plan

Plan your way out carefully - Pinterest
Plan your way out carefully

Once you figured out your fiancé is an abusive person, you should start your escape plan. Those actions can happen at any time so that it is important to keep yourself safe from your partner. There are some actions that you should consider:

  • Have emergency phone numbers: You should always have some people whom you can contact when the abuse happens. It can be a family member, a friend, your neighbour or an authority such as police, who can help you run away if needed. Learn that number to heart and seek out for their help when you see the signs of an anger issue from your partner.
  • Protect your privacy: Many abusive partners stalk their victims. Once you decide to leave, try to erase your trace so that he can’t find you easily. You can start with setting passwords on your mobile devices, using two-factor authorisation on your emails and social media accounts and setting up alerts for irregular activities. Those activities can help you protect your identity and privacy.



  • Know a safe location: Prepare a location where you can use when your partner becomes abusive. It can be either in your house, in which you can temporarily hide while waiting for help and contacting your emergency number. It can also be a place to stay after you leave your relationship. Be sure to check out those locations and practice your escape to them. It is also helpful to have all your necessities ready and hidden so that you can grab them without your partner notice.
  • Document your abuse: Keep a record of your abuse since you will need them as evidence later. They can be photos of your injuries, hospital records, any threat that he has given you. It is important to save them in a safe location and keep multiple copies if needed. In case you need to go to court or call the police, you can use these documents to prove your fiancé’s behaviors.

Seek for help

Don't stuck in a bad relationship alone - Pinterest
Don't stuck in a bad relationship alone

Many victims are too scared or too shy to ask for help from others, which leads them to staying in the relationships for a very long period, especially in Asia due to the private culture. They are afraid of having a bad reputation for breaking up with their fiancés as well. Don’t let this mentality get in your way of fighting for a better life. Just as you shouldn't let your predator blame you for the situation, you shouldn’t let the society affect your decision. It is absolutely OK to reach out to family, friends and authorities for help if you are in an abusive relationship. Many of them are willing to offer a hand when you need it. In addition, there are special organisations that support this mission as well. You can find them online and seek their help. You should also help yourself by practicing self love and be aware that you can get out of that relationship. It is very important to not let an abusive partner destroy your life and cause bad consequences.

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